fighting reality

October 13, 2024

On the other side of whatever this fresh hellish discomfort is, I desperately hope, there is some sort of reprieve. That within reach is a rope that isn’t frayed that I can use to pull myself out and up. And then a bed with a pillow that holds and transforms my most harmful of thoughts into a healing wash that removes the urge to just stop being… me.

It’s been an intense week. I don’t fully understand what is happening to me. I don’t ever remember feeling this powerless. That my will can stare me down and spit in my face, and tell me I’m nothing. That I get why someone would do almost anything to escape the bullying thoughts that push toward despair. 

I hate feeling like my head is an empty shell echoing the belief that I will never be good enough for anyone, but especially me.

Every nerve in my body twists,  stretches, and snaps under the tension of my thoughts. 

I’m in the thickest of fogs. I reach past a few thin wisps of wetness. I at least have that much strength. Nothing is presenting itself. I try my other hand – nothing. But my ears pick up on what sounds like waves and voices. My breath automatically mimics the waves ebb and flow. The voices become clearer. I am not alone. 

Things I am learning to accept:

I am strong

I am creative

I can learn from my mistakes

I am a good parent

I have support

I don’t have to be what I think others think I should be

I am okay with being tired

I am disabled

My husband’s parents flew in to town to meet their grandson for the first time. We gave them the Seattle tour and I got some time to practice shooting. It’s been a really long time, and even though Seattle Center is one of those places that’s photographed thousands, if not a million times a second, I enjoyed how MoPOP’s steely exterior flexed with the early Fall sky.

And this one interior shot was fun:

Last October my husband and I were at the very end of a very long and demanding journey. For a few years we had been trying to have a child. After multiple infertility treatments we actually got to the stage where we had a (one) healthy embryo for me to carry. And right after the transfer of said embryo we drove to Vancouver. My husband was attending a conference, and I tagged along for some rest, going with the thought that keeping my stress levels down would help with the implantation. Well, it helped. I am now the mother of an eight week old baby.

Baby M is challenging me in ways I could never have imagined. If there is anything that could have stripped me down to my basics, revealing the truth at my core, it was having and raising this kid. And I’ll tell you right now that it’s messy. It’s crazy. I am now learning about what I am capable of, what I need help with, what I’m willing to do, who I’m willing to be, and more. It’s been an incredible period of feeling every emotion you could think of all at once, and a test of what you can do on nearly no sleep. But sprinkled between all of that are moments of wonder, fascination, glee, and just plain love.

That’s it for now. As much as I want to be on my computer and marathon TV shows. And believe me, I try. I’m finding and accepting that life is forever changed. I have the biggest job in the world, and I want to be the best I can be at it. Until next time!

Fall came quickly, and with it brought change. It was lovely to spend the transition from summer in Vancouver, British Columbia. Just a few hours north of Seattle, the trek is like some peoples’ daily commutes (sadly). My husband was attending a conference, so I spent the time walking around town.

The weather went back and forth between sunny, cloudy, stormy, sun breaks, and stormy again. But I am prepared Pacific Northwesterner, and was prepared for variable weather. I also got some advice from our hotel bartender about how to get to Granville Island as covered as possible. We were staying at Canada Place where I was able to immediately go underground to catch at train to a station, and then walked a block to catch a ferry that took me to Granville Island. He wasn’t wrong. My mostly covered path got me to a tiny passenger ferry bounced around False Creek to Granville Island. I took a bus back to the hotel, which was also right at the Market and I brought back some fudge for us to enjoy on the rest of our trip.

More photos on Flickr!

As part of Vela Cannabis’ High Art Series, I’ll be showing some of my work at Vela Cannabis, just south of the stadiums on 1st Ave S. in Seattle. There will be an opening reception on Saturday, November 11th from 5:00-7:00. Stop on by! If you can’t make the reception, my work will be up from November 9th through December 10th. the end of the month.

Vela Cannabis
1944 1st Ave S
Seattle, WA 98134
(get directions)

Photos on display November 9-30th, so see it while you can!

Store hours to view them are:
Mon – Thurs: 10am to 9pm
Fri – Sat: 10am to 10pm
Sun: 10am to 7pm

You can also check out the Facebook invite here.

Thank you for your support!

To start the week off, I spent a few hours at the Seattle Art Museum in search of new acquisitions. I wanted to share this trio of snaps I took as it undeniably proves that I am infatuated with how light finds its way to create irresistible compositions, whether or not it is artificial.