glitch

I woke up to my kid being the most adorable version of himself. He squeezed between me and my husband in our bed and said “I’ll be the tomato and lettuce, and you two are the bread.” We peppered each other with kisses and gave big bear hugs. This made getting out of bed pretty easy. I went downstairs to start my personal routine of taking meds, boiling water, grinding coffee, taking out my journal or checking email, or checking in with my friends via text.

Mornings when my kid has school I wake up an hour earlier to do all this. It’s my morning mental stretch. My time to sit in silence, think about how the day will go, check in with how I’m feeling, wait for the meds and coffee to do their thing for the executive function. And just breathe. And when I do not get that time, I really feel the squeeze. My day is thrown. Emotional dysregulation sets in. I find it impossible to concede to my kid’s need for attention. This uncontrollable stubbornness takes over and I JUST. WANT. MY. TIME. TO. MYSELF.

I recognize that this reaction is cold and selfish. Those are the exact same words that I use when the guilt sets in. Motherhood/parenthood really has been the most challenging of things to have happened to me. The co-regulation of emotions. The desire to raise a child that is not an a-hole, but a self-sufficient, confident, fun, kind, compassionate, and helpful human being – It’s a test I hadn’t prepped for, but holy f- I don’t think anyone could ever prepare enough for this. And somewhere between the feelings of elation and heartbreak, are all the other feelings of discouragement, anxiety, wonder, joy, sadness, anger, frustration, hilarity, and more. Because there really are not enough words to describe all of the feelings between the feelings.