fighting reality

I am a card-carrying member of the We Do Not Care Club, started by Melani. It is Friday, and I simply do not care much anymore.

Y’all, it is the end of the school year. Today is the last Friday of the school year, and it is also the week of my child’s birthday and another kid’s birthday, and PTA volunteer requests, meetings about next year’s programs, summer festivals, and the heat is rising in Seattle. Which, for those that do not know, we get heat advisory warnings when we pass 70 degrees. Really. And I get it. I think whoever puts the heat advisory out is also in the WDNC Club. But seriously, my ridiculous ADHD people-pleasing, perfectionist, RSD tendencies are running high all while I simply in my bones do not want to care much anymore.

Did I mention I also had a birthday, and am now one year closer to the ultimate sleep? Yah. I’m morbid today. But then I think of what my kid said on their birthday: The best birthday gift that I got when I was born was you two as my parents. Well, F- me. I gotta stay alive to watch this beautiful human turn into an awesome human being that will help fight toxic masculinity, racism, sexism, and all the -isms that F- with marginalized human beings.

I woke up to my kid being the most adorable version of himself. He squeezed between me and my husband in our bed and said “I’ll be the tomato and lettuce, and you two are the bread.” We peppered each other with kisses and gave big bear hugs. This made getting out of bed pretty easy. I went downstairs to start my personal routine of taking meds, boiling water, grinding coffee, taking out my journal or checking email, or checking in with my friends via text.

Mornings when my kid has school I wake up an hour earlier to do all this. It’s my morning mental stretch. My time to sit in silence, think about how the day will go, check in with how I’m feeling, wait for the meds and coffee to do their thing for the executive function. And just breathe. And when I do not get that time, I really feel the squeeze. My day is thrown. Emotional dysregulation sets in. I find it impossible to concede to my kid’s need for attention. This uncontrollable stubbornness takes over and I JUST. WANT. MY. TIME. TO. MYSELF.

I recognize that this reaction is cold and selfish. Those are the exact same words that I use when the guilt sets in. Motherhood/parenthood really has been the most challenging of things to have happened to me. The co-regulation of emotions. The desire to raise a child that is not an a-hole, but a self-sufficient, confident, fun, kind, compassionate, and helpful human being – It’s a test I hadn’t prepped for, but holy f- I don’t think anyone could ever prepare enough for this. And somewhere between the feelings of elation and heartbreak, are all the other feelings of discouragement, anxiety, wonder, joy, sadness, anger, frustration, hilarity, and more. Because there really are not enough words to describe all of the feelings between the feelings.

The past week had a few days close to 60, which is not typical here in the Pacific Northwest. I don’t know if these flowers usually bud at this time, so wondered if the warm front that came through affected their timeline.

I looked up and saw Orion

Belt and sword

Outstretched arms

Grounded stance

floating in the heavens on Christmas Eve

I want to be Orion

Weightless and brilliant

On-the-ready

No one able to pull me down

But I am mortal and not Orion

Tethered and uncertain

Tripping and scraping

Serving food and drink on an empty stomach