Day 2,357.
Today was supposed to be the day. The child would be well enough for school. Fever free for more than 24 hrs. Symptoms better. But the 4am coughing fit followed by gagging… yah. No go.
I woke up late for an appointment I had downtown in an hour. My head was pounding. I’d had night sweats, the 4am wakeup, irritability and rage cleaning before bedtime, and being short with my partner. Apologies were made.
I threw on clothes, took my meds. Made coffee. 45 min to get there. 3 miles in, Maps was yelling at me to take alternate routes. I ignored all of it. Then I hit the backup. At this point nausea set in. I turned around. I pulled over. Thumbs fumbling in my phone, struggling to remember if my doctor is saved under their name or the clinic, I made the attempt to cancel. I couldn’t do it.
Breathe.
I closed my eyes until I felt more centered, started the engine, and careful drove home.
This is not the sun. This is me getting a moment to myself to be okay with feeling frustrated, tired, and hoping to release all of the guilt I feel about all the things. I am human. I am doing my best. I am a good mom. I am a good partner. I’m just having a hard day. That is okay. It’s okay to feel these things.
It’s okay to feel these things.
It’s okay to feel this way.
It’s okay.
Marivic Pinedo 